Piczo

Jun 3 2007 03:38 pm
Dear Down Under.
        I think we can nip this in the bud for you. You can tell your husband that Coventry City are "no more". Due to many lack lustre performances somebody decided to be the "last man out" & " switched the lights off on the way out". They have given up the ghost and all the players have gone back to their previous employment in McDonalds, some have even been reallocated their 4 star General's badges even though these were removed from circulation a number of years ago. Those who wern't up to McDonalds calibre have gone back to standing on street corners selling their rent boy wares agaion.  
This news should hopefully set him into a spiral of depression & STOP HIM SINGING.
All The Ginger Hitlas wish you all the very best down there are waiting for our invitation for a fully expensed gig in Oz.

May 29 2007 01:59 pm
Dear Andy and Curly,
I'm 12000 miles from home and in need of a ginger super hero. My husband's idea of romance is serenading me with that well known ditty, 'shit on the villa' and I'm starting to have nightmares. Can you send ginger reinforcements to remove aforementioned offending article.
Note to gingers. Wear plenty of factor 40 as the sun can be cruel to those of a more pallid complexion. xxx  

Feb 10 2007 12:03 am
Dear Andy and Curly
A bit of advice for you !
Im a friend of the birthday girl and shes on a mission to have a good time !
You have been warned

Feb 8 2007 09:39 am
Hi celebrate your birthday on the 10th @ the Ritz plenty of rugby players, the ginger hitlas,Paul and Timmy & Tommy are always up for a bit of the other.As for the guy in the red shorts there's no plastic surgeon that will touch that face.

Feb 7 2007 04:28 pm
Dear Andy and Curly

I`m at a loose end, its my birthday on sunday 11th and I celebrating being single again do you know anywhere where there will be bands, rugby players and lots friends and booze?
just like to reaffirm 11th FEB!!! I must admit I was tempted by the red shorts guy in your dating page but then i saw the face!!!!

Dec 14 2006 05:09 pm
Q::dear Andy and Curly
The lovely man in my life says its too cold in our bedroom.
Any ldeas how i can warm things up ?

A:: Try switching the heating on! Bit basic really.

Dec 14 2006 05:07 pm
Dear Curious, I have to admit that Andy is better than me at being Ginger, I have never had Ginger tendancies until I joined the band,b ut hands down Andy has always been more Ginger than I especially in the nether regions. I am therefore of course better in every other aspect apart from being Ginger. (PS I am also better at lying(see previous) :)

Curly

Dec 11 2006 04:35 pm
Dear Curly and Andy

It's amazing what the threat of having to sleep alone on a futon in the smallest room in the house can do for your sense of hot and cold.   Suddenly, the bedroom that I share with the lovely lady in my life seems hotter than a wrestler's undergarments (not that I know how hot that actually is of course).

Dec 10 2006 09:20 pm
dear Andy and Curly
The lovely man in my life says its too cold in our bedroom.
Any ldeas how i can warm things up ?

Dec 9 2006 09:48 am
hi curly
can you advice me why andy says hes better than you and at what ?!!

Oct 27 2006 06:26 pm
The best thing to do with those sort of photo's is to send them to Andy so that we can judge the best way to deal with your particular situation, we promise(ish) that we won't plaster it all over the Hitlas web site & get A3 posters done in colour & put up around town.

Oct 26 2006 05:19 pm
dear andy and curly
when i got home from work yesterday the lovely man in my life
had left me a photograph of himself. he was dressed in a spandex suit and a cowboy hat !
do i need to worry ? or do i take it to work to put on my desk (my workmates are keen to see what he looks like)

Oct 26 2006 04:50 pm
Sell the telly so she cant watch the adverts.

Oct 24 2006 03:04 pm
Dear Andy and Curly

My dream woman keeps watching those sofa adverts, and has got her heart set on a new one.   The advert doesn't mention the price of the one she likes, but I reckon I'd have to sell both my kidneys on ebay just for one of the cushions.   I don't want to let her down, so I thought maybe the existing sofa could be customised, therefore making it unique and possibly priceless. Have you got any ideas on how best to customise a sofa so that it appeals to the ladies?   I've tried smothering it in belgian chocolates and fine wines (which the ladies love) but it seemed to make things worse. Please help.

Oct 7 2006 11:14 am
If you soak the bottom of his trousers in a 50/50 oil/parrafin mix & put a match to them as he goes out the door you will find he will keep very warm, it may also be worthwhile buying him some asbestos "long johns" before trying this. Do not try this in bed though, the method for bedtime is to get a nice big handful of "Vic" and gently massage his genital area, again the running around & doing handstands in the shower will ensure a nice "toastie" feeling.

Oct 6 2006 08:54 pm
dear andy and curly
with winter on the way any ideas how to keep the man of my dreams warm ?
(the central heatings not working)!
yours cold but happy

Sep 28 2006 03:07 pm
Ah yes madam, we are a couple....of womanisers.   A toaster is a nice thought, but eating too much fatty bread will affect the speed of my high energy disco dancing, and could put a serious strain on my pink spandex trousers. Thanks for the thought, but I'll have to get back to my colour charts & Judy Garland film memorabilia now...ahem, I mean do some bricklaying and sawing.

Sep 27 2006 06:38 pm
hi andy
iv been given a invite to yours and pauls 23rd birthday party !
are you a couple ? only asking so i know what sort of a present to get you.
if you are would a toaster be ok?

Sep 22 2006 10:26 am
I think she is trying to get you "tiddley" & impress you with her driving skills just so she can get into your pants, my advice is LET HER!

Sep 21 2006 05:53 pm
Dear Andy & Curly

The other night my lovely lady said she'd give us a lift to and from a party Bath - she kept giving me loads of champagne, and I became suspicious that she was trying to get me tiddly so she could 'examine my collection of etchings' when we got home.   However, this lovely lady had failed to mention that she was some kind of rally driving world champion, as she took us along a bizarre route home, hairpin bends and narrow country lanes - she laughed as we raced along, clearly enjoying herself and the adrenaline rush. Do you think this beauty would be impressed by a slow reversing manouvre in a Ford Mondeo? Is there such a thing as non-alcoholic wine? - because she always tells me that's what she's giving me.

Sep 21 2006 05:51 pm
If both of you get wrecked and then take turns in driving it will keep life a lot more interesting for you both, maybe a few soft drugs thrown into the pot(excuse the pun) will liven up your lives a bit more as well while driving. And after having children I always find it a positive boon to have balloons moving around in the car to distract you a bit more as well. Thats what we like, lots of irrisponsible behaviour, downright law breaking and non-conformity. Sex drugs & rock & roll, thats what we live for ain't it Hillzie?

Sep 21 2006 05:06 pm
dear andy and curly
last weekend the lovely man in my life said we were going to have a
champage lifestyle.i thought bingo well it beats a pint down the crown
on a saturday night!.
what he dident tell me that he was going to be drinking the champage
and i was going to be doing the driveing.
do i just accept this or do i mention that id like to be drinking
champage as well ?.
yours sober and fed up

Sep 15 2006 10:04 am
I have found the ideal girl for you, she has saved all her own teeth & is willing to swap them for a good hard shag, she has beautiful hair in ponytails starting from her chest and going all the way down to her knackers, she also has her own hips which swivel & girate in her ample apple catching knickers, I think she is the answer to all your dreams. She goes by the name of "Swamp Donkey" as is dying to meet you, please forward your number & I will get you together for an unforgettable evening.

Sep 14 2006 11:26 pm
Due to your lack of useful advice I've had to lower my sights a little . Instead of seeking a 20 year old widow who is heiress to a large electronics company I am now looking for a girl who has her own hair,teeth and hip joints .

Sep 4 2006 02:37 pm
Have you considered buying your fella a large new 'hi-tech' teapot ? - preferably one that can calculate and keep a record of just how many b****y cups of tea he's always making ;-)

Sep 3 2006 10:04 pm
He is a man, have you considered bringing your two best friends home for a romp with him, he will remember that for the rest of his life especially if they are blokes as well!

Sep 3 2006 08:58 pm
dear andy and curly
the lovely man in my life has a birthday comeing up,any ideas on what i can do to make it a day to remember.
i would like it to be just for the two of us ,so far iv considerd a meal for two but i cant cook, a romantic dvd , a game of snakes and ladders.
iv now run out of ideas .so please any ideas on what i can do to for the lovely man ?

Sep 3 2006 01:19 pm
Moist ? Does that mean you have to go out when it is raining ?

Aug 28 2006 10:02 pm
Sometimes easy, sometimes very difficult but often very moist! Oh dear, have I just put a vision in your head?

Aug 23 2006 10:22 pm
Dear Mandy Hurley
What's it like to go out with a girl ?

Aug 16 2006 04:08 pm
This sort of present is obviously more suited to the lady in question rather than the nut behind the handle. I think the sort of tools you require come under the Fisher Price brand, so please write in crayon next time, I am guessing that you aren't allowed anything sharp to play with. Bless you and whatever colur the sky is on your planet.

Aug 11 2006 10:15 am
Hi Curly and Andy

On the subject of presents, I was given some power tools last year, but have been afraid to use them because I'm still unlear as to what 'kind' of power they actually have. Is it magical power? The power to level whole cities? The power to change themselves and me into different frightening shapes and forms?   Or is it just the power to turn the metal chuck thing on the end around really quickly?   I lost the instructions, and the box was unclear, so I didn't want to to take the chance.

It's just an idea, but do you think this kind of thing make a good present for a lady?

Mr D. I. Wye

Aug 11 2006 09:45 am
Well, according to the news and some high street shops, xmas is fast approaching, so I'm thinking of what I should buy my lovely girlfriend.   What do Andy & Curly think is a good xmas present for a lady?

So far, for the family, I've bought my grandmother a mirkin, my uncle a Russian bride, and my auntie a betamax video of the failed nautical TV series 'Triangle' sellotaped to a Milli Vanilli cassette.

Aug 9 2006 10:51 pm
Dear Desperate, once we had weeded out the really wierd blokes, that was all we were left with, we even had to take Andy's picture off for fear of scaring old ladies. But don't panic, it is early days yet & once we get the influx of socially acceptable studs we will have them beating a path to your door. I assume that the cream from the doctor worked & your little problem has now "gone away". Keep the Ginger faith sister.

Aug 9 2006 07:42 pm
dear andy and curly
as a spinster of the parrish it was with great joy that i spotted your dateing agency.
i thought at long last true love could be mine.
um how can i put this without sounding rude !
are there any other blokes on you list
or is that it ?!
yours in desperation

Aug 5 2006 11:45 am
I think I have the answer to something that has been bugging me for a while(no bugging I said)who this man who wrestled the snake caught a meteor between his bum cheeks put out fires with his built in hose I don't know where he keeps that but anyway I think its. Go to Andy's page and find out(I might get more hits than curly)see you there.

Aug 5 2006 12:39 am
Dear embroiderer, I think you did the correct thing in letting the lady think you were a wuss. Ladies apparently like fella's who are in touch with their feminine side so you keep it up mate, if the lady in question wants a real man she would see the superhero inside who is you. Plus the fact with you out of the equation El Capitano is in with a shout.

Aug 5 2006 12:35 am
Rudolph, I am sorry to say that I have knowledge of your particular situation & I am sorry to say that I think that the last straw for the poor lady was when you emptied your collostomy bag into the urn containing her late fathers ashes and shouting "have a drink on me you bastard".

Aug 4 2006 10:19 pm
Dear Mandy and Curly
I have recently been dumped again . What I need to know is this . Is it my collection of Victorian Nasal Sprays or my inability to get to the toilet on time that turns women off ? Any advice will be gratefully recieved .

Yours Hopefully
Rudolph Hucker

Aug 4 2006 10:04 am
In reply to the alleged incident with the tent mentioned by the lovely lady, I believe I am the man in question. Just to clarify what actually happened that night, yes, I was found under a duvet in the lounge at 6am instead of in the tent. Unknown to the good lady, I awoke in the tent in the middle of the night to find a poisonous snake on the groundsheet, ready to strike!   Instinctively, in a bid to save all of our lives I wrestled it outside the tent - after a lengthy struggle, it retreated into the bushes.   It was at this point that I discovered that I had been bitten.   As the venom kicked in, I stumbled toward the house, delerious, but still trying not to wake the slumbering beauty or the little dog.   Suddenly I noticed a freak meteor, hurtling from the sky toward the tent.   I dived into it's path, taking a glancing blow on the head, just managing to protect the tent and its occupants.   As I fell to the ground, I smelled burning, and noticed that the hot space rock had set light to the bushes around the tent. I battled the blaze for hours.   When the flames subsided, I dragged my tired broken body into the lounge of the house so as not to disturb the lovely lady and the little dog with my sobbing and cries of agony.   I pulled quilt around myself as I began to shiver from the effects of the venom, and must have only been asleep fro a few seconds before being discoverd by the lady as she came indoors to answer the call of nature.   Obviously, I was too modest to tell her of my heroic deeds, and decided to play along with the illusion that I was just a lightweight who'd found the ground under the tent too bumpy to go to sleep on (because someone forgot to buy a pump for the inflatable mattress).  

Do Curly and Andy think I'm exaggerating?   Can Curly & Andy think of a situation with a lady when it is worth 'embroidering' things a little?

Aug 1 2006 10:51 pm
We have already matched 3 pairs of people successfully so the ball is already rolling. Send Andy their picture, name & vital statistics & we can advertise them in a seperate section. This service is currently free to all ladies submitting nude photo's for publication.
Gigs galore for the future.

Aug 1 2006 09:07 pm
dear andy and curly
have you ever thought of starting a ginger hitlas dateing agency ?
i have many single friends who are looking for love.
you could sign them up for a small fee say a pint each for you both.
once you have a match it would be so easy.
they could meet at one of your gigs and instead of wearing a red rose
they could say wear a pair of ginger side burns so that they would regonise
each other.
if they got on and say got engaged you could play at there party.
if they got married yet another gig for you.
bride and groom could wear hitlas t shirts as could all guests
cost effective as well !
not only would you be doing a public service but think of all the gigs you would be playing at.
i would be more than happy to offer my services as bridesmaid at any of these weddings.
maybe jane could start a ginger hitlas wedding planing service
could richard get discount at the holiday camp for honeymoons.
the possiblties are endless.
for a small fee(ok a couple of beers) i would be happy to guve you a list of
several friends i have who are looking for love.
kind regards
a hopeless romantic x

Jul 31 2006 09:54 pm
Go to the gig! You never know you might enjoy it & jane will be there.

Jul 31 2006 03:30 am
i have met a real cool bunch of people in burnham and they keep asking me to go to a gig called ginger hitlas on sat...... should i go?????are the band any good????????? ps should i keep a diary of all my conquests or should the landlord of the crown stop wearing pink shorts.....ps jane i love you

Jul 28 2006 05:59 pm
Give her lots of chocolate, simple but effective!

Jul 28 2006 10:56 am
I have met the most wonderful woman and would very much like to impress her.   She recently showed me a picture of a beautiful Morroccan garden and suggested that I create a similar structure at the rear of my modest terraced house. Her plans include some complicated concrete structures and intricate 'plantscapes' topped off with authentic sounds and piped smells - the whole creation would literally create the experience of actually being in Morrocco. The lovely lady has set the completion date for a week's time, and is busy organising a grand unveiling party with a guest list that reads like an international horticultural 'who's who'.   On the work front, so far I've swept the yard and moved the bin bags round to the front of the house.   I fear I may have exaggerated my abilities in the garden and could be falling slighty behind schedule. Can Curly or Andy suggest any ways that I can distract the lovely lady so I can buy myself more time please?

Jul 28 2006 08:49 am
Dear man loser, also try converting him to the outdoor type. If he is not up to the rigours of camping, foraging or outdoor survival start off with something gentler. Try getting him into gardening before hitting the heavy stuff. Try setting him a challenge, for example, when he can identify the clematis in your overgrown bush he may be ready for something more.

Regards

The Uphill gardner

Jul 28 2006 08:31 am
Dear man loser,
why don't you try super glueing the tent zip once inside then you can guarantee him to stay in the tent and not wonder as he has done in the past,or maybe it could be a bad case of wind on your part caused him to leave the a said tent, try poking your bottom out of the tent while you are sleeping.
Hope this helps

The ginger Hitlas

Jul 27 2006 05:27 pm
dear andy and curly
when i met the wonderful man in my life he told me that he he was the outdoors type, i was delighted as one of my heros is ray meres.
last weekend as a treat for him i surgested that we went camping i was a little surprised when he pitched his tent in my garden and instead of the barbcue i had planed he asked me to cook the food in my kitchen and that we eat at the kitchen table !.
as the night was now going on (it was now midnight) i surgested that we retire to the tent for a romantic night under canvas, this took some time as he seemed rarther security minded and it took somme time for him to zip both my self and the dog in the tent.
i do admit that once in the tent i did fall asleep but please bear in mind that this had all taken several hours.
i awoke at 6 in the morning to find only my self and the dog in the tent , my hopes rose i thought my lovely out door bloke was out cooking us breakfast over a camp fire.
alas this was not to be i found him in the house fast asleep under a duvet where he had been for several hours.
he does not seem to be the man he told me he was !
so dear andy and curly do i try to change him or accept that i possibly may not have my very own ray meres !!

Jul 19 2006 06:54 pm
Dearest Lonely, I must admit after seeing the swarm of flies that you attract buzzing around your armpits I was somewhat impressed by your efforts, although rolling around in pig pooh may not have been your wisest decision. The other obvious benefits of your efforts will be realised in time, such as having the dance floor to yourself, no queue's at the bar and the savings on toiletries will be immense. One of our next new songs is going to be "Size of A Cow" by "The Wonderstuff" or "Teenage Dirtbag" by "Wheatus" so you hang on in there mate and really let yourself go. You are a truly dedicated fan.